Bry got the brilliant idea to do a 3 day cleanse and I agreed to join him, so together, we could jumpstart our squeaky metabolism.
Around the grocery store, I pushed a cart, empowerment piling high as spinach, pears, and fresh ginger made a small mountain. Apples, almond butter, cucumbers, protein (I don’t even want to type the name- it’s so beyond vile) powder appeared as though our family eats like this on a typical basis. They have no idea, my eyes narrowed.
Starting a cleanse is similar to the naiive gumption offered on the first day of college. How’s this going to go, I wondered? I had no clue, but bravely believed the best.
Until I drank my first sip of the breakfast concoction referred to as a smoothie. Friends, it’s not anywhere near a delicious smoothie. It’s like drinking pureed mold with a side of paste butter. Three sips in and I texted Bryan. I despise this cleanse. And Dr. Oz.
Surprisingly by lunch, I wasn’t the voracious savage I thought I’d be. And the pear-ginger-coconut water smoothie was delish. I may have kept the avocado out and considered eating it with chips and a margarita later. Cheers.
As time went on, however, smells started getting the best of me. Is someone bar-b-quing hamburgers next door? Bry called and confessed he was sitting on a bench drinking his smoothie by himself. Self-control clearly was not on his side. I want bread. I may steal someone’s if they turn their head.
We are pathetic, you guys.
By dinner I was hating anything non-bread related, fantasizing about cinnamonrolls and parfaits, and as Ty devoured his Hawaiian pizza, I sulked into spinach-carrot-cilantro-broth soup.
And then I hit rock bottom.
A tiny wisp of mozzarella hung lazily from the corner of Ty’s mouth and I may have leaned in to smooch him and STOLE THAT CHEESE RIGHT OFF HIS FACE.
We’re on Day 1, people. There are 2 more days. When Tanner got home from football practice I practically sat in his lap while he inhaled his pizza, just wanting to breathe in the scent of dough and meat and melty cheese.
I want a steak Bryan yelled from the front door.
It was after the lunch smoothie on Day 2 that I began sending Bryan pictures of football-field sized brownies and caramel-filled churros. I want to chew food, not drink it.
And then, as if the heavens opened and spoke the same message in our ears, we reached out. Abort mission. I repeat: ABORT MISSION. We are going for hamburgers TONIGHT!
Only to be met with a resounding, YES.WE.ARE!
We made it almost two full days of liquid based meals. And here’s what we learned:
We like food. A lot.
We like to chew our calories and grill meat and roast fresh veggies. We enjoy desserts.
Really, we just need to exercise more. Everything in moderation, right?
So there you have it. We tried. We got halfway there and we decided, there’s no Dr.Oz 3 Day Cleanse Police monitoring this. We are adults. We can stop. We are not failures.
And the best darn hamburger we ever did eat is the one coming off a cleanse. As for this gal here, I’m sticking to a one smoothie a day plan.