Soul Psalm: A Modern Day Porch Prayer

bekah General 4 Comments

Oh God,

I feel fumbly and confused.

I feel like everything I’m trying and attempting is coming up void. Or met with crickets. I sense there is a for the 50th time reminder about surrender and trust but all I see right now is an obedient posture met with silence. This leaves me feeling discarded. Is there an interest in picking me up?

I have nothing but space and time to work and yet receive no call back. We’re so busy. Let me get someone else to call you. Silence.

Rejections for another book. Protection for a different path?

I was fired from a company in town the day after we moved into this house. Almost one year to this date.

I wait and I listen and I offer myself. My time and heart. I lay down the dreams of needing to do something I love or even like.

Why God, why is nothing working?

The ache in my hip slows steps. I am cautious to run free.

You see this is where I go into ideating mode. What can I do that makes money. What skill do I have? What craft? I can’t paint. I don’t draw. I have no platform or profession to offer another. I have only my presence.

So now what? I sit in this home. I walk the neighborhoods. I pray and wait and listen more.

The quiet is so loud.

The quiet is so loud.

The quiet is so loud and what it echoes is my longing for verbal affirmation, an invitation, a reminder that I do indeed make a difference.

Jesus, I feel invisible. Not worth people’s time. Like what I have to give, say, write, share is of no value.

Maybe value and worth is the core fear. What if what I am offering; all of me, is not worth enough?

Who am I if I’m not making a difference? Contributing? Why offer and listen if it’s not a need? What is a need?

God, I need You, how I need you. Your worth alive and wearing me.

Invite me to see you in bird nests, in rainbows and cloud crosses.

When my anxiety to produce drums loud, help me tuck your promises close.

When my dashed dreams threaten to diffuse joy, stir me to stoop low for picked peonies arranged in a St.Germaine bottle-turned-vase.

When my soul is downcast, please cup my face and share your reflective light as I look upon You.

You are enough and in Your worth I long to rest.

To rest.

To rest.

To rest in You alone.

Comments 4

  1. I have so, so often been saddened at the seemed silence of God.

    Keep waiting my friend. He is waiting to reveal something beautiful for you.

    I am waiting there with you.

    Rest in trust.

    He makes everything beautiful in His time.

  2. Oh man, does my heart ever resonate with this. It’s a daily battle for me. A need to feel more useful and be productive, yet God is silent. Often, my day dreams excite and stir me more than my reality. But I must learn to focus on today, no matter how mundane my tasks. When I share this with my mother, she always says, “Andrea, ask the Lord what you can do for Him today.” She prays that and the Lord has asked her what to do what most consider small and worthless, simply visit a lonely soul. A women just a few years older and handicapped. In 1999, a women I knew well prayed that simple prayer, ‘Lord, what can I do for you today?’’ Her simple question turned into a miracle for me. The Lord told her to call me. She told me so when I answered the phone. Just before her call I had gone into labor with a baby girl who was not going to survive. I was panicked and pacing my floor because my husband was two hours away and my mother was 1,300 miles away. I was scared with a pounding heart and racing blood pressure. She calmly drove me to the hospital. She was a soothing balm and voice of reason. We must remember, God honors and loves the humble, the lowly, and the lonely. Big things happen in the smallest ways. God bless you and looking forward to seeing how He works in your life, Bekah.

  3. I call it THE PAUSE! As women we really hate the pause because so much of our life is taking care of all the stuff of life. I really feel you and I pray that, as you , I can embrace the pause and wait for the Lord’s presence to fill it. ❤️🙏🏻🙌🏼

  4. Oh, how I am well acquainted with this! For us who yearn to make a difference, to be of service, to feel needed…this is an uncomfortable place to be. I can also relate to the feeling of being alone, without a friend to talk to, as you say, “walking the neighborhood, I’m praying, I wait and listen. The quiet is loud.” Yes! I have experienced that. But what I know to be true is when I make Him first everyday, before anything else, when I’m in total surrender, when I give my will up for His alone…underneath the silence, things are happening. He took me from the friends I was listening to so I could focus on His words, His will. We may not see all that is going on behind the scenes, but He is there, working all things for our good. Maybe the silence is a time for us to get strong in our relationship with Him, so that when he allows us to re-emerge with other, we will shine forth His character and not ours. Just a few thoughts this morning. Have a beautiful day.

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