I feel fumbly and confused.
I feel like everything I’m trying and attempting is coming up void. Or met with crickets. I sense there is a for the 50th time reminder about surrender and trust but all I see right now is an obedient posture met with silence. This leaves me feeling discarded. Is there an interest in picking me up?
I have nothing but space and time to work and yet receive no call back. We’re so busy. Let me get someone else to call you. Silence.
Rejections for another book. Protection for a different path?
I was fired from a company in town the day after we moved into this house. Almost one year to this date.
I wait and I listen and I offer myself. My time and heart. I lay down the dreams of needing to do something I love or even like.
Why God, why is nothing working?
The ache in my hip slows steps. I am cautious to run free.
You see this is where I go into ideating mode. What can I do that makes money. What skill do I have? What craft? I can’t paint. I don’t draw. I have no platform or profession to offer another. I have only my presence.
So now what? I sit in this home. I walk the neighborhoods. I pray and wait and listen more.
The quiet is so loud.
The quiet is so loud.
The quiet is so loud and what it echoes is my longing for verbal affirmation, an invitation, a reminder that I do indeed make a difference.
Jesus, I feel invisible. Not worth people’s time. Like what I have to give, say, write, share is of no value.
Maybe value and worth is the core fear. What if what I am offering; all of me, is not worth enough?
Who am I if I’m not making a difference? Contributing? Why offer and listen if it’s not a need? What is a need?
God, I need You, how I need you. Your worth alive and wearing me.
Invite me to see you in bird nests, in rainbows and cloud crosses.
When my anxiety to produce drums loud, help me tuck your promises close.
When my dashed dreams threaten to diffuse joy, stir me to stoop low for picked peonies arranged in a St.Germaine bottle-turned-vase.
When my soul is downcast, please cup my face and share your reflective light as I look upon You.
You are enough and in Your worth I long to rest.
To rest in You alone.