Telling the Truth

bekah General 21 Comments

** endorsed by my hubby, Bryan **


“Tell the truth” is my favorite line at the end of the compelling based on-a-book movie, The Help.

Something about Kathryn Stockett’s words, tell the truth, root themselves deep and inspire me to live in my truth, stand in my space, walk on my path forward into wholeness, healing and living alive. Living alive regardless of what my husband is doing over on his path, or how my kids are on their paths, or how my friend is on her path. You get it. Regardless of how anyone else is journeying. Telling my truth frees me up to spend energy I used to give elsewhere; shining a distraction light anywhere but here. Which usually looked like beginning my sentences focused on others: when my husband gets a full time job or when my boys stop bickering or when… When is now and my journey is the only one I am responsible for.

Do you know how freeing this is? To tell my truth? All my truth? To allow myself to be fully known – the ugly and beautiful – and in-between parts? This is living alive and I feel strong because of it. Like I am a weak soul but God’s power alive in me strong. We talk about being strong people- heck, I love myself a fellow strong woman. But I’m talking about telling my truth, standing in my weakness and letting God’s power rest on me strong. Strong that is tethered to His strength; not my own. This is truth-telling strength.

Truth-telling strength lives exposed and vulnerable with people we are in community with. Like the other night when friends were over for Taco Tuesday and over chips and margs, casually asked the questions we all ask: how are you guys doing?

Well, our marriage is currently a *&$# show, I say matter-of-factly. How real do you want?

Their eyes grew and then they laughed. Give it to us, they welcomed. So we did. I even ushered a nice cozy space for Bryan to share his heart because, friends, if we don’t live truthfully, we live in isolation. We put on a pretty veil and go to church and wish someone knew the deeper parts, even if that means they accidentally read our journals just to know the truth.

The truth? Our marriage has been a hot mess. Choices my hubby made years ago and is on his path to break free from. He checked out for years and I co-dependently took the role of family spokesperson and carried him. And I’m over here this summer angry (codependency is a life-long journey of unraveling and unraveling more) at how dang weary to the bone I was. If one more person asked about Bryan getting a job I was going to blow a gasket. Not because I don’t care about his heart in the process or desperately pray he does, but because I needed my people to rally around me. So I sent out the only thing I know to do: ask for help while I’m in the hole.

I’m not okay right now. I will be, but right now I need prayers for strength. I need you to rally and champion and encourage me to keep my eyes on my own path and march forward into my own healing and stop carrying him. I’m only one person.

Oftentimes as believers, this can be seen as selfish. No marriage is perfect we hear. Just pray for him. Offer more grace. Just submit.

And, if we take this a step further, I’ve fallen into the lie that my truth isn’t significant. Marriage is hard… for many. Finances are bleak… for many. Circumstances are super uncomfortable… for many. But… who am I to complain? I mean, we chose to trek out to TN and leave all security behind.

Other people have kids with cancer. Other people have lost their home in a fire. My truth is tiny and … see what happens? I dismiss my truth, my story. You too? Do you have an ache that weighs you down but quickly rush to cover it, or push it aside because a lie smirks, oh quit whining. You’ve got it good compared to others. Comparison. Damn comparison quiets our truth. But the beauty is this IS our truth. This is our story. Our real time journey. And what is happening matters because it’s happening.

I recently had a friend say that she confided about her disintegrating marriage to someone in her church. Just love him more. Just pray harder, was the response she was given. But what about when we reach out and confess we need strength? This is where I want to pull you who are tired or are hiding something- whether in protection for a spouse or because you still have yet to find words for what feels hopeless – next to me and say, you are okay. You aren’t broken. You don’t need to be coddled or rocked like a baby. And hey, if you do, that’s okay too.

We are strong people who need to have permission to be weak in ourselves and strong because God is carrying us.

Our taco tuesday friends? They are people who I want to know our stuff because we do life together. She told me later how hard it was to sit there and not try to fix it, or rescue Bryan, or give us a verse. Instead, they listened. They heard our honest confessions and loved us all the more. Later she sent me a clip of a new TV series airing this fall, A Million Little Things, about a crew of friends who do life together and get the news that one of their people took his life. Did you know? they ask one another. Did you see the signs? How did we not know? And then what happens? They start to get honest. To tell the truth. We don’t talk about the deep stuff, they discover. and out it comes: Marriage trouble. Financial stuff. Depression. Real life confessions that for some reasons we all feel we have to cover up.

But we are real people with real paths and telling the truth frees us up to live full and alive and honestly and I’m finding this is where healing and freedom comes.

I refuse to be a statistic that people say, they got divorced? They were having problems? Did you know? Who are we talking to if not our people? Who are we telling the truth to?

If I’m learning anything through traversing a season of reclaiming myself, surrendering codependency, allowing Bryan and my boys to be on their own paths and trusting God has them – He has them way better than I do – it’s how strong I am.

A quiet strong. A joyful strong. A compassionate strong. And for those who also know and lean in close and say, My marriage is numb. We feel like roommates. I get it. I also know financial strain. I know debt. I know the fear of becoming homeless. I know the weariness at looking for jobs, being let go, and wondering if faith is a sham. I know God’s protection and comfort comes in silence and solitude, and how His provision through people is like watching manna fall from the sky. I know humble spaces and have nothing but compassion for those who are journeying the hard and trusting still. Who are craving strength for each step.

So that’s my truth. My space I stand in today. I refuse to look around and waste one more ounce of energy comparing or wishing my husband would do this or my kids would do that. I can love and champion and pray and advocate for them. I am not their accountability partner nor a naggy shadow. I am a weak soul who is intentionally pioneering this path God has me on and I am walking wholeheartedly into life, healing and wholeness. I am telling the truth.

And my hope is to create a safe space for others to do so along their journeys and find strength along the way.

How about you? What’s your truth? What’s really going on? You are welcome and safe here. Here is where we say all the things and know all of it is welcome and that healing comes when we allow ourselves to be fully known and fully loved in our truth-telling.

 

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. – 2 Corinthians 12:9 (ESV)


Upcoming Events I’d love to see you at:

November 5, 2018: Nashville, TN She Found Joy Ladies Night Out.
November 9, 2018: Franklin, TN Leadership Event. Details TBA

 

 

Comments 21

  1. Thank you so much for your post today…it spoke to my heart and the timing was so perfect. I needed it so badly. God is so good! Your words, and His, gave me strength today to move forward and not drown in a pity party. Thank you again Bekah Jane for your PRICELESS WORDS! Much love, prayers and strength to you and your family.

  2. I am bone tired as a teacher in her first week of school where parents never think we do enough say unkind words and expect us to just bend to them. Did I say I am tired and my sweet mama is having health issues and I am trying to be a help and balance home and work life. That is my real truth. I will be praying for you and I thank you for your realness.

  3. Love your post! Real, honest, encouraging! In the process of reading your book…finding time…not so easy! Life hasn’t been easy or simple. Grew weary of all the Christian cliches! Trying to lean on the Lord more and more, let him carry me. Trying to “find real” anywhere I can.

  4. Bekah…..I’ve missed you and your soul grabbing words….. I do much understand being weak yet because of that ; being strong through and because of having God with me! I truly found that out when on a cruise and my husband had a seizure ( after not having one for over a year) we were just coming in to Germany (and thank God not Russia) I had to instantly pack up the room and get off the ship for Jim to be treated at a hospital. From the stewards finishing up my packing to who I called my “Jamacain angel” …..I knew! While Jim was getting brain scans and I said to her: I wonder what God is trying to teach me through this? ” Her ans wer: That you are not alone. She had been sent from the cruise ship to be with me. And they told me they were my family that week! Jim was cleared and we were able to get back on the ship. I no longer live my life like chicken little worrying that the sky is falling ….I continue to see how God is with me through the ” God whispers”

  5. Thank you for telling the truth! I am in the midst of one of the hardest seasons of my life. We moved away from our life 1,000 miles away to be closer to family and start fresh. No new job. Temporary living situation (with family…too close!!!). Now, the time we thought we would have to figure things out has been pulled away – we have to find a new place to live by the end of next month, due to circumstances outside of anyone’s control. We can’t get a home loan because our income is primarily from self-employment and contract work (loan restrictions have never stopped us before, but they sure are now).

    On top of these abnormal circumstances, my husband has a traumatic brain injury from an accident 5 years ago. Our marriage has never been easy but it sure feels like we’ve been walking through fire for a very long time. I’ve been covering, making excuses, shielding most everyone from the truth of how hard it is…and I’m tired.

    This challenge to tell the truth is so timely for me, so thank you. Thank you for making the space for honesty, truth, and acceptance of how hard life is. “Even youth grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall. But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not feel faint.” Isaiah 40:30-31

  6. True words!! We are so overcome by our pride and fear of being shamed and the church is so guilty of reinforcing these things . Don’t get me wrong I love church …just sayin
    I pray for you and me and all of us co-d wives!! Thank you for REAL!!

  7. Oh you are so brave and strong and vulnerable! Truer words were never spoken! March on…I’ll carry your/His flag anywhere’!

  8. I stand and applaud you! I so wish there were more Christian sisters like you that would be vulnerable and real.
    I feel like I do this on a regular basis in my life and with my mom’s group and Women’s Bible study but then Satan feeds me the lie that I over-shared or it’s too much for people.
    I pray the enemy is not telling you that and you remain confident and strong in your life and words. You have a gift and thank you and your husband for allowing us to to experience it!!

  9. Oh Bekah! I pray for you and yours daily! I have ppl that I know when they ask “How are you?” I can truthfully say I’m hanging in there. Single mom to 4, my children are estranged from their other family due to hurt feelings (they haven’t visited their dad in over 2 years now), caring for aging parents, really struggling with my 15 year old daughter lately trying to find her own way. My children are wandering in their faith. God gave me the word Hope for this year. I’m holding tightly to Him for hope.

    1. Post
      Author

      Laurel, you are strong because you are honest. Do you know how refreshing this is? I hear you and can only imagine your day-to-day. Please keep reaching out and sharing your heart. No doubt you are breathing authentic life into those around you; even if you are yet to see it. Praying HOPE for you now. xo, Bekah

  10. Thank you for sharing! I can relate to this post and applaud your honesty (and your husband’s). I wish I could sit down for a cup of coffee and some cookies with you!! I haven’t found friends to actually DO life with and truthfully, it’s lonely. So happy you have those people in your life. Stay strong!

    1. Post
      Author

      Thank you for hearing my heart and feeling known in the process. I wish we could sit down in person and talk about all the things. In the meantime, I’m praying you feel God so close and know His comfort. Strength for us as we journey forward! xo, Bekah

  11. Bekah, you spoke to my heart on so much here. People talk about Co dependency likes it’s a little T trauma, but what I’m learing is it creates chronic trauma. How do I know this you wonder? We just spent a week in AR for “Parent Week” at the treatment center we took Andrew to shortly after that sweet visit on your porch and I’m tellin ya what- wow. We got put through the wringer. We all told our stories, from our lenses. The full truth. All of it on the table. Many trauma cycles completed. It was the best and hardest week of my life. Thank you for giving people a space to tell the truth, their truth, through their life lense, if they so choose to do so. So healing.

    1. Post
      Author

      Suzanne, you are so right! Co-dependency is the quiet killer. We can disguise it in helping or serving but it’s trauma and I respect how you are acknowledging this and taking healing steps toward wholeness. Not for the faint of heart. I’m rejoicing at your courage to share your story, through your lens and let yourself be known. I see you. I see Andrew. And God is so proud of your brave truth-telling. xo, Bekah

  12. Thank you! I’ve read this twice and let it sink into all of my broken places. I’m going through a very difficult season and in the midst of it I see God carrying me. My husband lost his job recently under pretty crappy circumstances. He was our main income. We have no savings and I work very part time. I feel lost. I don’t know where to begin in all of his. Now my husband either lays in bed or sits in his recliner and drinks. I used to condone this thinking at least he has a job and pays the bill’s. I’m so full of anger and resentment right now. We too are like roommates. I’m going to school full time with a rigorous schedule this semester, trying to raise 3 teenage girls with little help from hubby, and deal with the multitude of disasters that seem to keep coming our way. I’m so tired!! Thank you for helping me realize it’s ok to focus on me and my current path. God IS with me. I see His hand daily and I need to focus on this. I need to support my girls and let them try to process our current situation without judgement. I need to pray for my husband. I don’t want to face him with anger. I know he feels awful about what’s happening but he also needs to step up and be the man of the house. I too have carried him way too long.

    1. Post
      Author

      Sonja, girl you are brave! Brave for sharing your truth, your story right where it is. I hear and you and wish I could give you a ginormous hug and look in your eyes and say, “you’re situation is so hard yet I see you walking into wholeness and healing for yourself and this is beautiful.” Beautiful for who God is making you to be, beautiful for your girls, and beautiful for your husband. Beautiful for what your marriage will be because you are choosing to walk into His strength. I’m encouraging you every step of the way. I know God won’t waste any of your pain. In the meantime, praying steadfastness for your soul. xo, Bekah

  13. Yes, yes, yes. As someone who has done the being strong for both of us in marriage and covering up the hurt, I hear you. We’re coming out of the codependency, *%&# show marriage and finding our new season of aiming for honesty, even when it’s hard, especially when it’s hard. We nearly gave up. We now have lots of space for each other in our empty nest and I am sitting in a season of hope and anticipation.
    I love your soul and I love your honesty. Thankful to call you a friend. 🙂

    1. Post
      Author

      “A season of hope and anticipation…” Cami, your words are beautiful and I love your honesty. Thank you for sharing. I believe much healing happens when we offer one another space for “honesty, even when it’s hard.” I’m thankful to call YOU friend. xo, Bekah

  14. Beautiful beyond words–thank you!!! So much more to share, but I just want to say that I am SO proud of you, I am with you, and you make my heart beat stronger–thank you for being SO life-giving!!! 🙂 Love you!!! 🙂 xoxo

  15. Thought I’d pop back over, re-read, and check in…

    Rallying around you, metaphorically. I am often heard saying that marriage is craptastically hard and parenting is simply a process of trying to stack the odds in our favor and hoping for the best. Except when I am talking to Christians, then it is trusting God…but I don’t actually FEEL that most days.

    Here is my focus for this season: 1. Purposely sow seeds in areas I want to make progress. 2. Diligently pursue wisdom. 3. Relentlessly leave the outcomes to God. Sounds FLIPPIN aewsome on paper, doesn’t it?

    <3 All the best…

    1. Post
      Author

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *