When Words Spill Out

bekah Loss 3 Comments

Can I be candid for a moment?

I get afraid to mention my dad.

As in, “There she goes again, talking about her dad… new topic please!” And I’m sure that’s not what people are thinking, but it’s a genuine concern, and this weekend I realized I’m okay talking about him, and missing him, and remembering him. I’m learning so much about how people grieve…

Some process verbally and want personal interaction.

Some withdraw.

Others scramble for words to attach to their fuzzy feelings.

Still others cope behind busyness and anger.

I’ve experienced all of the above. Stages come and go and return with a sting.

So I’ve been hesitant to be that person. A conversation this weekend changed all that. I realized for those that don’t want to want to hear or read about it, don’t have to. And I’m okay with that. There are seasons of dessert and seasons of harvest. If you are in a season of harvest, what a blessing! Continue pursuing dreams, challenging yourself at work, loving on people, and being who God wants you to be. In no way, do I want my grief journey to bring you down.

But for many, it’s a desert season. And desert doesn’t mean drought. It doesn’t mean God has abandoned you and left you to rot. It means He is creating beauty from pain. It hurts like crazy, but the end result will be nothing short of a miracle

This past weekend we celebrated a dear friend’s birthday. Over flatbreads and rose’, we honored the gift she has been since I first met her in college 15 years ago…. gulp {are we that old?} The menfolk talked of house projects and summer trips while us gals swapped kid stories and decorating plans. However, the evening memory that most sticks is talking with her sister-in-law, a sweet spirit who lost their baby boy at the beginning of the year. She is in the throws of grief; missing a son she who didn’t make it full term, a little brother their daughter will never know, a part of their family now vacant. She is making sense of the tragedy. Her eyes meet mine and we connect. We get it. We know the tangible hurt of loss and at the same time are in awe of experiencing God’s grace through suffering.

She blows me away.

Please keep writing, she says, It’s been so healing for me. I’m private and grieve with a safe few. I don’t have the words to express how I feel, and your words have become a part of my healing process.

I’m speechless. And honored. And speechless.

I didn’t know people really read my stuff. I figure I babble this out to the universe, unaware if it ever sticks.

It’s funny, I share with her. I can’t help but write. It’s as if my heart thumps so loud that the soul unzips and words spill out. It’s as if I have to get it out to make room for the next realization, create space for God’s Spirit to speak.

Don’t stop, she asks. Keep writing.

And so I will. For her. And for others who are hurting or stung by pain of loss or grief. I’ll remind us that Jesus is so present, even when we don’t understand. I’ll write through the process.

Because I want the kind of faith that is present, daily, and real time.

I don’t want to share years after what I came out of, but rather invite others into the during process. It can be sticky and scrambled, but that’s why it’s a process. Wouldn’t I love to stuff the contents, zip the bag and be done with this journey! Learned and moving on. Check.

Oh, but I can’t. This journey won’t ever be done or learned or accomplished… that’s why it’s a process.

And perhaps you are on your own too, and we can journey together.

 

At a cute antique store, I came across this vintage block made into a cardholder.

The DH couldn’t be more timely and sweet ~ Dean Harris

Photo(96)

Instead of a card, a photograph of dad when he was younger will make a memorable gift for mom.

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Whether it be a vintage block, a picture, or grandpa’s pocket watch, let personal touches flood your home with a thousand memories!

Comments 3

  1. Bakah your writing is beautiful and yes, please don’t stop! I am inspired by your courage to face your grief head on and not try to hide from it! I am not grieving a loss but I know at some point I will be as will everyone else who reads this and we will be able to pull strength from your experience. The thought that you share with the world are invaluable and real and raw and in a world with a lot of fakeness it is a breath of fresh air! You are truly a beaitful woman of god! Love you!

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