Freedom in Letting Go

bekah General 1 Comment

At the risk of being too authentic and vulnerable, I am throwing caution to the wind, saying good-bye to the innate people-pleaser inside, cutting the strangle of withering relationships, and finding the healthy balance of letting go, of focusing on those that it’s an equal pursuit.

Because whether or not we admit it, we all want to be pursued. To be called, and asked about, to be missed when absent, and shown interest in when present.

And not in a pull-out-your-soul-and-talk-about-it-every-time-I-see-you way, but simply in a you are important and I want to know you way.

I’m learning some people are uncomfortable with this. This desire for authenticity, this exchange of words and feelings either draws people in or sends them running. And I’m finding such freedom in letting those that run go.

Until recently I used to fight to make these relationships work. I’d obey like a puppy, clawing for attention, desperate for resolution, spinning my wheels for the right words to relate and understand and find some sort of connection. Any connection.

Real friendships are like searching for the ideal home. That one doesn’t have enough room. Too much of a fixer-upper. Lacking light. Then hope, potential, seeing beyond the wallpaper and shag carpet. I’d pursue people that hinted at a connection, a glimmer of someone who would understand my heartbeats and passions. I’d walk through home tour after home tour: an invite for a walk, a phone call, reaching out, only to experience something I realize is worse than anything: silence!

So you know what I’d do?

I’d try harder!

Let’s grab coffee, walk the kids around the park, dinner Friday? Oh my word! I tired myself out. The sheer exhaustion of trying so hard beat me down.

And then the comments…

You’re too happy!

You’re so sweet!

You ask too many questions!

You try to communicate too much!

Stop caring. Stop being so emotional.

I once tried to shut off my emotions. To crawl within and turn cynical and stop caring. It resulted in a very cranky Bekah.

You see, after countless moves and transitions, I won’t give up on my pursuit of relationships; on finding those people that I can laugh and vent and swap sorrows and rejoice with. This is what life is about; community, about blending the thousands of personality traits and gifts and talents that intersect with just one other person. Oh, the millions of quirks and individual beauties brought forth when a swarm of friendships collide!

And yes, I want that! At the risk of trying, only to realize I may have to let go of my unrealistic expectations or hopes for what could be. Because some relationships don’t work. And that’s okay. For whatever reason, the pieces don’t fit and the personalities don’t blend, and there’s no use in forcing it.

Freedom blankets my soul when I acknowledge my tight grasp for control ~  for trying once again to make it work. And when it doesn’t,  I’m finding peace in walking away. There is no bitterness or anger, only a reminder that God is refueling my need for community. He’s saturating me with His Truth. “My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.” {Exodus 33:14} Rest. Yes, I want that for relationships.

I”m not gonna lie. That’s not always enough.  I can’t read His Word, close the book, then live complacently alone. Can anyone, really?   I will resolve to trust his timing and listen to Him direct who those people are; those that crave community, and value depth and sharpening, and will call me to the carpet, or just plain call.

Oh, the freedom as I discover how to let go. It means I don’t have to bend to the lie that I have to alter my spirit or spunk, or go numb, or shut-down friendship pursuits, or believe a lie that I’m weird or wrong for wanting life-giving relationships. If anything, it gives me hope that there are others who desire it too, and it’s just a matter of finding them.

If you too are on this journey, this desire to rub shoulders with people who want to live life to the fullest, to share in the tiny miracle moments of your day, and openly voice insecurities, be encouraged. You will find those people. You may have to let go of unrealistic expectations or one-way conversations, but God has placed this desire in you and perhaps he is using you to be an initiator, a change-maker. Don’t cave to the lie that you must change by silencing your words or worse yet, your feelings.

The other day I was wrestling with a dinner invitation to join a group of gals where I knew only the coordinator. A potential laying out of my heart only to be rejected or dismissed.

And I’ll be honest. I questioned my energy for it – my heart being a bit fragile and all.

But God knew. It’s just his way. Right when I’m navigating this healthy balance of when to let go, and when to try, the phone rings.

A call to come, that I’ll be missed if I don’t make it. It was a miniature reminder that God has me – my crazy intentional heart and all it’s mushy feelings- in the palm of His hand, and there is no where else I’d rather rest.

One step in front of the other, I’ll continue this pursuit. It’s not easy, but most certainly freeing!

Comments 1

  1. Thank you for sharing this. I can relate completely to everything you wrote. It’s funny…I totally see you as the girl that everyone would want to be friends with! You have such a kind and genuine spirit about you — who wouldn’t want you as a friend?!

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